The Lenten Season

-A heart shaped cloud we saw on the way to church :)

I've realized that in the past year and a half I've lost touch with my faith. I mean, even when I went to a catholic school I wasn't that religious, it just so happened I had to pray every day in class and go to mass because it was mass day at school. Sometimes I feel like I only practice Catholicism because its the only religion I know, and I take comfort in the tradition and familiarity of it. Of course that's why. I believe in it to an extent, but I don't quite follow the church documents, or believe that a church should have as many specified guidelines as the Catholic church does.

But. This Lenten season has made me feel a little bit different. I guess I've never really needed God as much as I do right now, or least, I haven't asked Him for as much as I have lately. On Ash Wednesday I went to Interfaith on campus, where they held a couple masses and gave out ashes. The inital reason I went was because I wanted to get ashes and be in solidarity with the other Catholics on campus. I also honestly wanted other people on campus to notice and try to figure out why I had a black smudge that vaguely resembed a cross on my forehead. I know, that kinda makes me seem like I'm looking for attention. But its kinda funny.

It was weird though, cause again, I am not that religious, I just practice Catholicism cause its the only way I really know how to pray and believe in God. When I went to mass, it felt like I was fulfilling some part of me that was missing. Again, not that religious to begin with. Maybe it was just comforting. But still...this was different. The priest's Homily (oriental asian catholic--haha. I thought he was filipino at first but I think he was actually vietnamese) was the usual Lent speech,'this is a season to better yourself, practice self control, and become closer to God and dadadadada...' (haha I actually never end my quotations with 'dadadadada...' in free writing or outloud. I thought I'd try. I don't really like it).

But he also said something I really needed to hear. I don't remember it word for word, but he basically was saying that the emphasis of this season is really on the 'closer to God' part. He said that, its not so much about commiting to your Lenten promise of giving up sweets or whatever, but mostly about trying to feel like you have the willpower to do that. Feeling like you have God's willpower, and love in you. That's what that whole Lenten promise/giving something up for Lent thing is all about. Feeling like you can achieve to some extent the power that the Lord had when he rose from the dead to forgive our sins. Wait, a better way to put it--feeling like Jesus was strong and died for us in order to give us the strength to live through everything in our lives. The priest also said something that actually made me feel less shitty about myself and the fact that I really haven't been strong for God. He said the way to feel closer to His strength is to really believe and ask Him to stay with you and be in your heart. Allow Him to put that strength in you and and believe that you have it. Yeah, that doesn't just mean, 'person: God, make me strong. God: K!' It means, going through your life and believing you can do the things you think are hard because you were created with a strength and greatness that only God could've enborn within you. Its about faith. Which I have totally been lacking in my 20 years of half-assed Catholic practicing.

So I even went to church again last Sunday, which I think I will try to do every Sunday during Lent. The priest had a really funny Pee Wee Herman-ish twang in his voice, so it was hard to focus on his homily at first. But when I got past the funny voice thing I listened and really liked his homily too. He was talking about a politician whose campign slogan was "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and get the job done." The message here was obviously, be honest in your intentions and really make an effort. Which is something that Lent really focuses on too. I feel like this is God telling me like..."Dude. Its OKAY. Just do whatever you want, I'll make it happen, and you'll be happy."

I'm not a by the Bible kind of Catholic. But I do feel really connected to God sometimes. I mostly just pray for things, and try to live morally. I think thats good enough. I feel like going to church and listening to more homilies just makes it better for me. That I don't HAVE to be a by the bible, bible study kinda person to feel close to God.

On another note, I've given up facebooking in class for Lent. Maybe I should also add giving up everything that distracts me in class for Lent. I am also trying to get back into exercising so I don't break my back (yes that makes sense, I have to strengthen it in order to feel better), and making a conscious effort to put myself out there and get out of this stupid shlump I have been in for too long.

k. Probably the most religiousity you'll get from me. Well actually no, maybe there will be more.
:)