NO.MORE.

This is gonna become my diary. Which is okay cause I don't think people really read this. If you are reading this, I hope its just cause you care. Or you are just curious--which is also okay since I totally do that too. But a warning, its gonna get kinda heavy.
I really fucking hate where I'm at in life right now. I kinda feel like I'm dead inside. Yep. I said it outloud--or wait--online. I am dead. I am dead because I let other people influence my choices and feelings to the point where I don't listen or trust myself. Therefore, I'm not really LIVING. I am dead.
Its not even like people are mean to me. I just can't bring myself to find happiness anymore. I can hardly explain my feelings clearly. I feel stupid. I don't want to put effort into anything I do. I don't see a point. I can't decide on a major because I don't have a passion for anything. I want to say I want to major in English, but I always get so frustrated with myself and think I'm stupid. I don't enjoy anything that requires work. Simply because I get so focused on the fact that its hard and I will probably mess up. I feel like that with everything I do.
Whats worse is I hate when people call me out on it. 'It' meaning they call me out on when I can't do something or look unsure of myself. Its annoying, because they get so confused, or wait, thats not a good enough word--they just have such a hard time understanding why I would act so unsure or insecure. Maybe I should take that as a compliment, people don't think I should be so stupid. Yeah.

I just can't bring myself to put effort into anything anymore. I know the way to handle this is to 'believe in myself, stop caring about what other people think and go for my dreams' and all that. But the problem is, I don't have any. I don't know what I want to do. Well, okay, I do know what I wish I could do, but I'm not sure if its just cause I like the idea of being this or that person. I know thats confusing. But I don't seem to have any innate passion for anything in particular. Or maybe I've just lost it. Now I basically just look at people and pick which type of person I would like to be like the best. No, that was a really bad explanation. I don't really do that. I do to an extent, but not to the point where there isn't some ounce of the real me in it. Did that make sense? No. I hate myself. Okay it did make sense. I know a lot of people in general do that too.
My writing has become so disorganized since last year. I haven't taken any writing classes. Actually, I haven't taken any classes that require any sort of work other than reading. Which I haven't done. Which brings me back to what I wanted to make my point--I feel like I'm wasting time. And talent. I am doing nothing more than the ordinary--eating, sleeping, walking to class, sitting and not paying attention, studying last minute for a midterm, and working out. I hardly watch tv I like anymore. I don't really listen to much music. I have no other hobbies at the moment. What the hell. Why am I dead?!
I fucking hate my life. You know what I have realized? We all need to stop complaining and look at all the opportunities and options we have to make ourselves better. That sentence didn't sound as profound as I wanted it to sound. I'll shutup with the little insecure side comments now.
No. But really. You have an opportunity to learn something new, meet someone new, try something new every day. But most of us choose to go about our days, with the same routine, not giving ourselves a chance to be something more. What are we doing? What am I doing?? I can learn a new word in a different language everyday. I can try to do one nice thing a day for someone else. I can learn how to cook something different. I can introduce myself (in a non-creep-ish way) to someone new. I can discover new bands to listen to, learn a random fact. Watch a tv show I'd never seen before. Even though that all sounds kinda normal and every day-ish, I think it is necessary. To stop the routine. Well, okay, if you have time--stop the routine. Don't just go to class, work out, then go online. Learn something new every day. Its possible.

Yeah that all sounds like simple everyday stuff. Blegh. Can I please make myself do something more? I just don't know how to motivate myself after being so stagnant and immobile (..same word meaning..?) for so long. I don't want to waste my time anymore. I only have 2 more years of college left. I really want to make them count. Make up for my stupid first two years where I cared waayy too much about what people thought and didn't do anything. Oh. Thats another thing. Why do I think other people will always judge me? Not everyone is so mean. Most people are nice. And don't want to see you fail. Or they will pretend to be nice and then talk about how you annoy them behind your back. Which you still shouldn't give a care about because you either won't know, or they aren't worth your time. Thats a problem. I'm the one being judgemental. I have so many walls up I don't let people in. I know its from my past experiences in life, its just, now that I know what my problem is, I need to move on and live. Instead of writing long blog entries complaining about how horrible my life is because I make it horrible.

I am in a life rut. I have been in this life rut on and off for a few years now. I swear I'm not crazy or weird. Well okay, I am weird but not a bad kind of weird. I just kinda lost my way somewhere around the end of my teenage years and have been caught up in this stupid never-ending cycle of fear ever since. Don't ask what caused it, you don't want to know. But I want to sleep. I will just leave with this: I refuse to let myself be dug deeper in this rut of nothingness. NO. MORE. Hopefully I will take my rut-experiences and use them for good-in giving advice to people who have similar problems. I am a freaking nutcase I just wrote like a whole psych therapy session or something on this thing. Okay, I need to sleep NIGHT.

**WAIT. Disclaimer: I'm not like gonna kill myself or anything. This makes me sound really bad. Don't worry I am OKAY.