Don't think, just do it.

Hi,

I'm Arielle. Its been a while. Sorry, I left you for tumblr. Its okay though, this is much more writing friendly, where tumblr is more for stuff.

Hey, guess what? I did a lot of what I wanted to do this year. Fall quarter I was a triple intern, and the end of Spring Quarter made me a board member, commissioner/teacher, and an intern for a fil-am website. Go me.

But I'm still missing a lot. Like, for example, why the eff does my writing sound so boring and telling now? Where'd the creativity go? I think its because I haven't done enough creative things lately. I haven't watched or read or played anything for fun in a while. So all I'm focused on is the mundane and/or profeshh. No. Creativity, buddy, come back youse my best frennnn :(

But reason why I am writing this is really related to that ^^. Reason being, I am starting to get way too into the professional, and have been leaving behind the fun. I've been so cerebral lately. So immersed in current events and advocacy. The thing is though, I don't think I wanna just help people. I know that sounds bad. But I mean, I don't want my future to be devoted to directly helping people. I wanna do it creatively. I know I don't wana be a news anchor. I know I don't wanna just be a journalist. I wanna creative something, impact people. I don't wanna just report on it. I wanna use my strategist skills. I wanna do something more heartwarming and inspiring, rather than just fighting and devastating.

I've been taking the easy way out. I've been just thirsty for power, well okay not really power, but I have been so introverted for so long that now with the sudden abundance of social activities I have involved myself with, I have become bitten by the social bug. And as a result, started doing more to win the approval and admiration of others, but not enough to win the approval and admiration of myself.

I hate the way I am writing now. It's not even witty. This sound conceited, but I miss my wit. It was original. Smart. Creative. Now, probs because I have been taking so much time to try to learn how to help others and please others and act around others--I've lost a little bit of my uniqueness. NO.

That doesn't mean that I think my new relationships are unhealthy or give me pressure to be a certain way. Sure, that's there, but no one is making me feel like I have to act a certain way. Its just me. Because I never fucking feel like I am good enough. I love and hate that trait about me. The strong desire to need to be good enough. Not just for approval, but good enough as in--being smart. Being successful. Being funny. Being creative. I've never been one to be part of a crowd. I've always wanted to stand out for being me. But, I've lost a little of me because I realized that the old me never really knew what it was like to really be part of a bigger social group and crowd.

Huh.

Isn't it funny, how being different is the new being cool? How being original and starting trends is the trend, not following the trend? There's so much pressure now, not to be part of the crowd, but to be original. Wow. imagine that.

But is it just me, or is everyone's 'different' the same? There's a certain kind of weird that is acceptable, and then there is a certain weird that is still weird. Face it, same situation, different rules.

Hmm. But still, I am still making the same mistake as everyone else: I'm still not fully being true to myself because I know doing other things will make me likable to others.

I need to remember to have my me time. I used to be really talented. I feel like that sounds arrogant and conceited. But no, really. I would practice piano only like, 2 hours a week when I really should be doing that amount everyday. And yet, I would medal at competitions. I would go weeks without singing, or at least seriously singing, but during a jam session or a school talent show I would bust it out like it was natural. Which, it probs was. I would also love creative group projects. Especially improv. I loved acting. I loved dancing. I loved everything creative. I had such a great creative mind and was not only able to be good at it, but best of all, I owned it because I made it my own.

WHERE THE EFF DID I GO?!

Sometimes I blame La Reina. But other times I realize high school was probably the last time I was really as creative as I loved being.

You know what I noticed? I notice too much. But anyway, people are a lot more creative at UCI than at La Reina.

Okay I needa continue this late with an updated list of goals.